Well, after being called to the Alberta Bar in 1986, I've been a family lawyer now for about 27 years, and in that time, I've gone through a generally amicable, but very painful divorce myself, and between my own life experience and my experience as a family lawyer, I think I've learned a few things over that time.
And, to be honest, a large part of my practice includes telling people truths that I don't think lawyers typically share with their clients.
So - after seeing many of my clients responding very positively to my thoughts, my experience, and my insights - it seemed a natural to share those ideas in a broader way through a blog.
So here we are.
Chapter one.
Page one.
The first thing I would share with those who have somehow managed to find this blog is that while no one wants to go through divorce, and while every divorce is painful and difficult, it is possible to survive it, and in fact, learn from it.
"Learn"?
Definitely. One comment I will make in general is that, typically, my clients fall into one of two categories.
i) Those who critically examine their own participation in the divorce.
ii) And those who do not.
The first group tends to move through divorce in a healthier fashion, and, in my experience, tends to be happier and more productive post-divorce. They may be abused, they may be the victims of infidelity, but even in the face of that reality - they still take the time to say, "Did I contribute to the problem?" And that contribution may, simply, have been nothing beyond making a bad choice of partner. Or it could have been more - every relationship dysfunction is unique unto itself.
The second group are the "victims" of divorce. And I put "victim" in quotation marks because their inability to see beyond themselves as "victims" makes them unable to critically examine how they got from the marriage alter to the divorce lawyer.
They see the other party as the start-and-end of why they are in my office, they are typically angry, they are consumed with a desire for "justice", and they are very demanding that two things happen:
a) That they get everything that they have coming to them; and
b) That the other person "pays" for the wrong they have done.This last group is an unscrupulous lawyer's dream. They will easily be lead into never-ending litigation or negotiation, which means a very high dollar-per-client return.
You would be shocked how often I have said to clients, bluntly, "I'm very concerned that the only benefit of this course of action will be an increase in my bank account."
And how often I actually argue against taking a course of action which will inflate my billings and receipts, but which, in my best opinion, will be counter to a client's own best-interests.
If you are in divorce, or you are contemplating divorce - take a good look at the foregoing.
And, if you can, honestly ask yourself, "Which group do I fall into?"
And, if you remember nothing else, remember this:
Your divorce lawyer is not your friend.
They are in business.They do, no doubt, have genuine empathy and concern for you - however, they are in the business of earning a living - and invariably, the more you argue the more money the lawyer makes.
And because of that, inherent in every piece of advice your lawyer gives you is an inherent conflict of interest between a lawyer and their own client.
At it's simplest, it is this:
The more you fight, the more money the lawyer makes.
The quicker you settle, the less money the lawyer makes.So - remember that, and think about that. Consider carefully that the decisions you make are made rationally, based upon your own consideration of the cost/benefit/risk analysis of the next step in your divorce.
Moving through divorce is not about "getting everything you can", it is not about "justice" - it is about moving through a painful and unpleasant chapter in your life, to the next chapter.
The clients, in my experience, who understand this seem to pay me less money, and seem to end up happier.
A true story.
A client came to me after a failed collaborative divorce effort - many, many months, and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees came to naught. He came to me angry and bitter because his wife refused to agree to share equally her business built during the marriage.
He felt that he had contributed equally to their marriage, he felt that it seemed manifestly unfair that women expect to receive 50% but that, because he was a man, he should be denied that same entitlement.
And after listening to him explain his feelings, I said to him:
"50% is over-rated."
He looked at me, actually somewhat angry that I was coming across as "soft" I think.
And I said, "Look. I can get you 50%. But it may take a year or two of litigation, it may cost you $40,000.00, and it will most certainly require a lot of time in my office, in discovery, and in court. On the other hand, what if I told you I could get you 45% in a week? In 30 days your divorce will be over, your legal fees will end, and you can spend the next two years doing things you enjoy instead of waking up every day wondering and worrying about your divorce and spending hours and hours with me?"
And his whole disposition changed.
He admitted he had never looked at it like that.
I suggested to him that clearly his wife appeared to feel that she needed to obtain an "edge" in the settlement to move forward. The question was, how big a deal was it for him to get "justice"?
In the end we settled at about 47%.
Signed, sealed and done in about 45 days, start to finish.
And the day he came to see me to sign his settlement agreement, he was giddy, because he realized that he had made a choice which had saved him money, and more importantly, had moved him beyond his vision of "win/lose" to a vision of moving more quickly to the next, happier chapter of his life.
Did he "win?" from the point of view of the outcome financially? Many lawyers will say "no".
I say, "yes".
And I would bet, dollars to donuts, that his ex-wife is not a particularly happy person post-divorce.
So - think about his example if you are in divorce or contemplating divorce.
Are you allowing your "victim hood" to get in the way of your own happiness?
Are you allowing the blind effort at "justice" to prevent you spending the next two years or more or your life doing something more interesting and enjoyable than sitting in your lawyer's office?
Hopefully not.
(Next blog, "Cost/Benefit/Risk")
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